I’ve suffered from depression so long it is hard remembering anytime when it didn’t dog me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of suicide. Way too many to count. Sometimes it wasn’t just a last resort it was all I had to trust. I mistakenly believed offing myself was the best way to stop the pain. I still believe, if the circumstances really warranted it, I would use the “exit plan”.
This last holiday season was the first in a long time when I had no depression. The cliché about feeling as if “a weight has been lifted off me” is too true. Just as it feels as if everything is conspiring against you the opposite can become true.
I will always be a cynic. I am consistently amazed at people who are always chipper and upbeat about life. An example of that is Paul McCartney. He wasn’t my favorite Beatle. No, that was John Lennon. I know I identified with him because Lennon, too, was a depressive cynic. Paul was as light as a yellow balloon. John was like a lead weight tied to the string. But it was John’s emotional troubles that helped me. As much as I loved Paul’s songs they seldom touched the nerve John’s music did. Especially, his first solo album, “John Lennon: Plastic Ono Band”, that was filled with songs relating to the emotional release provided him by Primal Therapy.
Later, John would be murdered by a mentally unbalanced individual. While ebullient Paul is still thriving. Happy-go-lucky soul that he is. I don’t know if John’s death can be associated with his cynical attitude, but after a tumultuous life it is hard to reconcile how painfully he was “offed”. The man must have thought of suicide in his lowest times. Just about all depressives do. The sorrow is he had just come back to recording music after a five-year absence. It looked like the beginning of a new, more positive “public” era in his life. Timing is everything. Even bad timing.
I mention Lennon because, from Thanksgiving 2013 to my birthday on 27 January 2014, I have had a period of positive developments that feels almost like an answer to so many years of pain. In the middle of this mini-renaissance* my dear friend gave me the “Beatles Albums” box set with all their remastered albums. So I’ve listened to Lennon’s lasting musical contribution to my life. (As well as McCartney’s.) I find it remarkable that through all the difficulties and insane adoration he still managed to produce so much great work. He obviously wasn’t completely crippled by the depression. And the good news, neither am I.
Who knows what may follow this year? I am just acting as if only the moment really matters and nothing much can get me down. Until the other shoe drops. LOL
That being said, here is the video that influenced this bit of ‘fessing up. When you think all hope is lost . . .
Things can change in the blinking of an eye. That includes the good changes, too.
*I am not bi-polar so this is not the unreal high after a horrible low.